My Dad has a wonderful story about a loyal secretary, Marla, working at his company during the late 1970s. Marla'd been with him for more than 10 years, and one day walked into his office and mentioned that she wanted business cards. What Marla wants, Marla gets, Dad thought, and so set to the task of ordering them.
"Most people have a title printed on their business card, Marla," he said. "What would you like your title to be?"
She thought for a moment, and then replied, deadpan: "Well, I've always wanted to be a Supreme Commander."
Dad bit his lip, nodded, and filled out the form. The finished cards read:
Marla, if you ask me, was a genius. One of my many perverse pleasures is to follow her lead by dreaming up impossible titles and affiliations for myself. It makes filling out all those boring HTML Name-Address-Company forms much more amusing. Presented here are some of my favorites:
Prince of Babylon, Knight of the Black Cross, Knight of Death, Sublime Master of the Luminous Ring, Priest of the Sun, Grand Architect, Knight of the Black and White Eagle, Holy Royal Arch, Knight of the Phoenix, Knight of Iris, Priest of Eleusis, Knight of the Golden Fleece
-High Grades of the Ancient and Accepted Scottish Rite
Another point I wanted to make: This trick may seem like sheer egotistical tomfoolery (it is), but there is a side benefit, which is that you can deduce who's selling your name on a mailing list, and who's not. When I get a piece of mail addressed to me as "Antipope," for example, I can check my files and determine that such-and-so company knows me by that title, and therefore that it must have been them who sold my information. I can then send them a nasty letter and maybe get some free stuff for complaining.