there are no pills that start with j

A is for Amphetamine-dextroamphetamine., when your kid might fall behind;

B is for Buspirone., which keeps you feeling fine.

C is for Ciprofloxacin., when there's anthrax in the mail; and

D is for Darvocet-N., when Christine is on your trail.

E is for Amitriptyline hydrochloride., when you've got the cancer blues;

F is for Phentermine hydrochloride., when you've got some pounds to lose.

G is for Glucotrol., when you're insulin-deprived; and

H is for Haloperidol., when there's an alien implant in your spine.

I is for Propanolol hydrochloride., when your migraine's like a knife,

and J is for This program has been brought to you by the letter J., which won't be legal in this life.

K is for Clonazepam., to kick your Xanax jones;

L is for Chlordiazepoxide., when you're afraid to answer the phone.

M is for Estrogen/Progestin., to keep the rabbit alive; and

N is for Transmucosal nicotine., when you need a smoke or five.

O is for Sustained-release oxycodone.  The 80mg in this green pill is likely to kill intolerant individuals, if snorted or injected in a single dose., when heroin's hard to score;

P is for The original barbituate., which leaves you drooling on the floor.

Q is for Quinidine sulfate., when the palpitations come; and

R is for Methylphenidate., when Johnny might just be too dumb.

S is for Pseudoephedrine hydrochloride., when you want to cook some tweak;

T is for Chlorpromazine., after you've smoked it for a week.

U is for Tramadol hydrochloride., which still is not controlled; and

V is for Hydrocodone bitartate., of which it's hard to get ahold.

W is for Bupropion hydrochloride., when Prozac's not enough;

X is for Alprazolam., which is best when ground and snuffed.

Y is for Ritodrine hydrochloride., when your fetus jumps the gun;

and Z is for the Ranitidine., which we need, now that we're done.